Is it bad luck? Attraction to the wrong people? Maybe there’s just not enough good men out there… or women! Or maybe you should blame yourself because you can’t seem to hold a relationship together?
Before you go there, recognize, we’re all messed up in the same way. We all have insecurities, no matter how confident someone may seem. If I’m lying, why go through the trouble of trying to make a good impression? We all try to impress people at some point by hiding our insecurities. But insecurities aren’t the reason relationships don’t work… it’s part of it, but not the whole story.
I learned from therapist Isabell Springer, that most people commit during a stage in the relationship called “infatuation”. This is within the first six months of dating someone. I believe most of us are accustomed to dating two to four weeks before making a commitment. But I learned from Isabell that a commitment shouldn’t be made until after the infatuation stage. But six months sounds like a huge investment especially when you’re just getting to know someone… What if it doesn’t work?
That’s the point.
In the first six months, you should really get to know a person. You have to realize, during the infatuation stage, they are showing you the best version of themselves. Their insecurities are hidden because they want to make a good impression. And you know it’s true because things are always great in the beginning. But when a relationship ends, the story’s the same:
“They’re not the person I thought they were.”
“He stopped appreciating me.”
Lies are revealed… insecurities surface.
But the infatuation stage is a time to be on the lookout for red flags, not making commitments. But since we are in the habit of falling for the best version of a person, our relationships never work.
When infatuation ends, so does the relationship.
So this is the point… enjoy the people you meet. Be alert. Watch for red flags.
Don’t commit to someone you don’t know; it takes time for insecurities to be revealed. You also have to determine what’s a deal-breaker or an opportunity. A deal-breaker should prohibit a person from moving beyond the friend zone. An opportunity is a chance to grow and build meaningful experiences with another.
Nobody’s perfect, but you need to allow yourself time to know if the person you’re dating is future compatible. Don’t force it, and don’t allow your infatuation to rule your decisions. We have to be wise, otherwise, we’re going to keep going in circles.
We’re the architects of our own future. We can either set ourselves up for disaster or do what’s necessary to build a solid relationship.
Fools rush in, but the wise man learns from the fool.
Our relationships never work because we keep doing the same thing over and over with different people.
Bottom line, get to know someone before you commit.