I think life would be a lot different if we understood one another, or at least tried. But lack of communication, empathy, and a skewed sense of self-awareness makes it complicated.
Let me get straight to the point… A man’s love is external. It’s about what he can buy, say, do. A woman’s love is internal, things related to feelings thoughts, and spirituality. That’s all fine, but here’s the problem: we love people the way we want to be loved… which isn’t love at all.
Let me explain.
How Men Love
When a man loves he loves in a way that supports his ego, after all, the beast has to eat… our egos need feeding in order to keep living and breathing.
When we’re not given the opportunity to love the way we want to love, our pride takes a hit. When this happens we feel disrespected and underappreciated.
I once told a woman, “what’s so hard about letting me love you”. But in reality, I was only out to love myself. By this I mean, every time I acted out of “love” I was aiming to make myself feel good. At the time I didn’t realize what I was doing, but after so many mistakes, I learned to identify my faults and correct them.
What women don’t realize about men, is that a man’s love is performance-based. We determine our greatness based on what we do… and our favorite way to measure this is with sex. Sex is the ultimate expression of love for a man. So when there’s frustration in the relationship, to makeup, the first thing a man is thinking is sex. That’s the best way he knows how to love. And the woman… hmmm, we’ll get to her later.
The second weapon in a man’s arsenal is his ability to provide. For this reason, he’ll work long hours, pay your car note, buy you lunch and purchase you gifts. In his mind that’s love… he’s either winning you over or expressing his love for you (in his mind).
A man thinks that if he says all the right things a woman will love him for it. Because that’s all a woman wants is to hear all the right things, right? If he tells you he loves you a thousand times a day he thinks he’s making you feel loved. If he tells you you’re beautiful, he’s making you feel beautiful. He believes that’s what you want to hear, which is true, but the average man doesn’t understand he needs to back that up with action… an act that doesn’t include sex or money.
How Women Love
When a woman loves she doesn’t understand that most of her actions are meaningless to a man. We value things like respect, sex, recognition, and the ability to provide for our family. But most women don’t love us how we want to be loved… they love us in their own way.
A good friend of mine told me how she spent all day shopping, getting dressed, doing her hair and makeup, just to surprise her unappreciative boyfriend on his birthday. I laughed. She didn’t get it.
Men don’t care about gifts. Okay. Yes, it’s cool when your woman picks you up a pair of shoes and some fresh cologne (she likes), but a man isn’t impressed by gifts. It does nothing for his pride, “unless he really doesn’t love you”, but that’s a whole other issue.
Another way women like to show love is by spending time with their man. But to a man, time is valuable, and he doesn’t want to waste it. He would much rather do something productive like work extra hours, catch up on a game or hang with his friends. Other than date night, he doesn’t see any point in watching Netflix and having deep conversations.
Women love to express their love emotionally. They like to touch, cuddle (not have sex), and talk about future things. Women love to express their feelings and help men understand them from within. But the problem? Men aren’t listening. This creates a disconnect, and now the best way a man can love a woman is not being activated. He doesn’t know how to love you because he’s not listening. As a result of her emotional distress, she shuts down, and the best way to love her man is now being used as a weapon against him (sex). In his mind, you are falling out of love with him, disrespecting him, or possibly interested in someone else. This causes a whole world of friction and no one is being loved the way they want to be loved.
Men want sex, gratitude, and respect.
Women want gifts, time, and emotional connection.
But the real problem is this… We love people how we want them to love us, and no one ends up getting the love they deserve.